What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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