Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
