He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
