Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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