Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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