I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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