someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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