Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
