DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
