The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
