Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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