im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
A bitchslap is in order.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
