fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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