Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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