Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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