How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
