You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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