Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
