Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
