Your face is a jimmy john
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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