I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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