chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize