i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
