Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
