woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
