this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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