so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
