i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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