What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
