How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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