This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize