I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
