She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Drake has all the answers
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
