Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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