I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
