oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
