OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
