Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
