God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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