He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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