Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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