I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
my poor anus
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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