also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
