Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
