in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
