If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
