I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
