it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
