Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
