Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
