I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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