My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
