I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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