Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
