I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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