Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
